Is it fear or courage that compels you?

Today I resigned from my job of three years.

Let me try to explain the feeling I had this morning driving to work. I recently jumped off a 65m high bridge, yes with ropes strong enough to hold a 2 ton elephant, but I willingly jumped, actually more like stepped, off a 65m high bridge. “What if? this… doesn’t work.” was only one of the thoughts in my alarmingly calm mind, alarming because of the nervous peace, the freedom to also think “If this is it… it’s okay, it was all good so far, no regrets.” A dead calm, a fast flickering heart beat, no sweaty palms, but a rush of thought.

And then. Wind in my face, giggles bubble from somewhere, “who is that laughing?” I am alive! “Oh! It was me!”  I feel the rope pull tight, I’m safe, still laughing, maybe a little hysterical.

That is the closest thing to what I’m feeling at the moment, but I’m still in free fall.

So what made me do the craziest thing one can do when the world is in financial melt down? I recon, fear and a little courage. Fear because I’m hitting the big two five in about a month, and I have yet to discover my vocation. (Not vacation, as one of my friends laughingly hinted.) I have to sell my car, pack my bags, kiss my boyfriend, dogs, friends and family good bye, and go discover myself, see the planet, until I’m dirty, broke, deadlocked,wise, fulfilled and worldly.

Then courage, because it’s obviously crazy to currently be, self -unemployed, but more because I fear that this is actually it, and what if the feeling, the fleeting moments of passion, the grace of god, the secrets of the universe and people and love, what if it does not exist, what happens if I get to know myself, and find I do not like the person I know I am.

I suppose, at least then I will be able to speak Spanish, will have seen the great wall of china, the rock of Gibraltar, been to Ernest Hemingway’s house and seen Havana before Fidel Castro died, not to mention the Spanish steps, the pyramids in Egypt and Mayan temples, oh and a big huge brass Buddha, and have eaten lamb vindaloo in India, and lastly sat at the feet of the humongous Jesus in Brazil.

This is just something I know I have to do, for me to be a good daughter, girlfriend, sister, best friend and one day mother, I need to fall, feel and stay alive. I’m helluva excited, I can’t wait.

What I'll see

What I'll see

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About flickery

I'm a morning person, love tea, love my dogs, fresh air and lots of space. I don't get angry very easily, but I stay angry for a long time when I do. I take everything personally, as I am a person. I like to think and listen to other people, I need to know about things. I love and wine, my friends, and food. The weirdness of me. I love shoes. Reading is good, smoking is not, but I enjoy both. I wish I was a warm summer day with thunderstorms and soft rain that makes the air cling to your skin. I like kissing, ice cream, and chilli'S. I love to play pretend, dance and sing to 80's music, and imagine I can play a sport and own a yaght. the end-ish. just a little.

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